Boundaries: Ask for More, Ask for Less

Written By Alysha Cooper

Registered Psychologist 

Lately, I’ve heard a lot about “boundaries” – how to set them, how to maintain them, and how we know when they have been crossed or not. If only it were that simple. Boundaries are a complex, but not impossible, territory to navigate. Identifying and developing boundaries can help us feel safe, grounded, and more in control of our lives. Boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves and the lives we have created. Establishing boundaries helps us to express ourselves as unique individuals, while acknowledging the same in others (Hereford, n.d.).

Essentially, “boundaries are a life enhancing system of “yes’” and “no’s”. They are stop signs and borders you install to protect yourself so that it is clear that you own your life, make choices that [are right for you], and pursue the authentic expression of who you are in the way you live, love, give, and relate,” (p.1, Black & Enns, 1997).

Boundaries are essential in all areas of life. They give guidance, structure, definition, and meaning to the world around us. From boundaries in nature to geography, culture, and our own lives, boundaries allow the world to function without chaos (Black & Enns, 1997). Boundaries can be both flexible and inflexible.

Flexible boundaries can be adjusted and changed based on context. Flexible boundaries can shift depending on who we are with, what we are doing, where we are, and how we are feeling. I might be OK with my partner hugging me when I’m sad (and in fact, I might ask for this), but when I’m angry, it is best for me to avoid touch and do something nourishing and distracting, like go for a run (probably best for him too, if we’re being honest). Flexible boundaries are fluid and subject to change.

Inflexible boundaries are fixed and unchanging no matter the circumstance. Oftentimes, these boundaries go hand-in-hand with safety and security. For example, I will never like mushrooms and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make me change my mind about that. I am firm with this boundary (I argue emotional safety…). On a more serious note, I also know that I, like most people, am not comfortable with unwanted touch or anyone making inappropriate remarks about my appearance or beliefs. The concept of flexible and inflexible boundaries is a key element that I believe is missing from the boundary conversation. The notion that boundaries can be flexible or inflexible is crucial to how we understand our boundaries and communicate them to others. We have to know this about ourselves in order to establish them with others.

Furthermore, it’s important to recognize that we experience boundaries in all areas of our lives. Personal boundaries include physical, psychological, sexual, cultural, emotional, spiritual, and financial boundaries. Personal boundaries can also fall into two categories: visible and invisible boundaries. Visible boundaries are those that are mostly physical and sexual in nature. We can see and feel our boundaries when they are crossed or maintained. Invisible boundaries are mostly emotional, psychological, financial, and spiritual. They are our internal lines which should not be crossed.

We set visible boundaries by deciding who can touch us, when and how we are touched, and how close someone can stand to us. To some extent, we have control over these boundaries through being able to physically move away or saying “no”. Our invisible boundaries impact our visible boundaries depending on what mood we’re in and how we’re feeling psychologically, financially, and spiritually. For example, we may want more distance between ourselves and others when we are feeling upset, like I mentioned in the example with my partner.

Invisible boundaries set limits on what someone can say to you, what tone of voice they use, stopping unwelcomed comments, having control over our own finances and spirituality, and much more. To some extent, we have control over these boundaries through how we communicate our boundaries to the world around us (both verbally and non-verbally).

We learn about boundaries through our life experiences, our beliefs and values, and different social connections like friends, family, and coworkers. Sometimes, we don’t recognize a boundary until we know it’s been crossed. We might know our boundaries have been crossed when we have emotional experiences like feeling angry, anxious, agitated, uncomfortable, scared, or irritated. The physical experiences that accompany those emotional experiences can come in the form of nausea, shakiness, muscle tension, headaches, increased breathing, heart rate, and more.

In contrast, we know our boundaries are maintained when we feel calm, comfortable, safe, and are having fun. Physically, we might feel relaxed, at ease, content, comfortable, and have typical breathing and heart rate. It is also important to highlight that these experiences may look different to different people. I know when a boundary is crossed for me, I might anxiously clench my jaw whereas others may feel angry and tense their muscles. How do you know when a boundary is being crossed?

Regardless of how you know whether or not a boundary is being crossed, it is important to pay attention to what our thoughts, feelings, and physiological responses are communicating to us. So then, how do you set a boundary? I wish there was a cookie cutter response (that would certainly be one interesting shape), but to be blunt, there is not. It comes with a dash of grit and a whole lot of practice.

Think about the las time you tried to set a boundary with someone. Maybe you did it verbally. Maybe you said something to someone? Or maybe you talked to someone else? Maybe you changed your tone of voice? Did you send an email or text message, remove yourself (or them) from your social or popular media? Did you recruit help?

Or maybe it was non-verbal. If you wanted someone to stop doing something, did you move or walk away? Ignore them or make eye contact with someone else? Express discomfort in your body, by grimacing, frowning, crying, or rolling your eyes? Or if you wanted someone to do something more, did you move closer? Did you relax and lean in? Did you laugh or smile?

The point of this is that there are so many different ways to communicate our boundaries. Not all of these will work in every situation, every time. This is where you get to take charge of your own life. You get to experiment with ways that are effective in setting your boundaries and getting your needs met.

As I mentioned, identifying and practicing setting our boundaries takes time and practice. Start with a small, more achievable boundary that isn’t overly threatening or overwhelming. Give yourself permission to put yourself first when you start identifying your boundaries. How can you nurture yourself during this process? Choose what media you read, who you spend time with, the stories you listen to, the capacity you have to give, so that you feel safe and supported in your life.

The next (and arguably the trickiest part) is acknowledging that not everyone will like when you set a boundary. Unfortunately, even once we have identified, communicated, and tried to uphold our boundaries, we may encounter situations in which our boundaries are not respected. Some people may be upset (even if that is not your intention), while others may still continue to try to cross them. It is not your fault when you try to set boundaries and people continue to cross them. It is important to remember that no matter what you do, think, or say, someone may not respect your boundaries and that is not your fault.

Ultimately, the most important part of setting boundaries is simply giving yourself permission to do so. Do so in a way that is not selfish, but caring for both yourself and the people around you. As I’m sure you’re well aware, we cannot simultaneously set boundaries and protect other people’s feelings. We are not asking you to lose the compassion you have for others – that is a gift – but we are asking you to make yourself a priority. I know that because you are reading this article, and if you have made it this far, there is a part of you that knows it is time to lean into the discomfort of boundary setting. Whether you embrace it willingly, or skeptically, know that there is no better time to embrace that temporary discomfort than now. There is long-term joy waiting on the other side.

At the very least, explore and feel proud for the small boundaries you have set now or in the past. What inspired you to make yourself a priority? What inspired you to take the time to read this article? Remember, boundaries are not just stops signs and borders – they’re also green lights and enthusiastic “yes’s”. They’re open hands and cheers from the sidelines. It’s not just about telling people “no” or asking for less (although that’s part of it), it’s also about asking for our needs to be met and our desires to be heard. It’s important that the conversation on boundaries includes a conversation on wanting more. Give yourself permission to set boundaries – to ask for more and ask for less.

References:

Black, J. & Enns, G. (1997). Better boundaries: Owning and treasuring your life. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Hereford, Z. (n.d.). “Healthy personal boundaries & how to establish them.” Retrieved from https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html